Close

things are feeling just a little bit weird at the moment; things lack a certain closeness that i've previously only found within my little family. 

there are laughs, giggles, and heart-to-hearts, everything happy and bubbly and yet... superficial. these people that i have chanced upon have similarities and the same wants, needs, and likes but there is something there, a barrier that prevents us being close. 

there's a physical need for comfort

for a hug

a hand to hold.

not romantically, as wonderful as that is. 

Comfort.

i long for those quiet intimate spaces

another person at the end of the phone

at 2am,

voices soft, laughter hushed. 

the quiet as you fall asleep

miles apart but feeling closer than ever before. 

I long for those miles to be reduced

to millimetres,

to hear those whispers

accompanied by your breath in my ear.

i want to be held

i want to be

close.

things fall
                   a
                     p
                       a
                         r
                           t.

and i feel like i'm constantly and consistently trying to piece myself back together

whilst everything is still falling

lost

i am lost

unsure of the things around me

weighed down under the colossal mass of things i cannot control

why does everything have to change

why does everything have to hurt and why, just why

do i feel everything and

nothing at all?

The Urge to Write/Ramble

Hello

It's been a while. It's weird typing on a new keyboard... I keep making typos.

I want to write. What I want to write, I couldn't tell you. I feel stuck in a rut, unable to explain myself properly or put things into words. Hell, I'm even forgetting words.

Maybe I'm not as cut out for this as I thought I was?

Big changes are happening. Big changes have been happening in all of the time I've been absent. I feel like I'm returning to a dusty room full of notes and memos and lists... That's what my blog, this place that I worked so hard to create, has become.

I haven't not been writing - just writing different things. Or trying, at least. I've been contributing to some music sites/blogs with some reviews and such. It's been a dream... But I don't feel entertaining, I don't feel my personality coming across and it just doesn't feel me... Or good, if I'm honest. Reading back the things I've written, they're average. Not great, not cutting edge.

Now I know we are our own worst critic/enemy/downfall but still... I literally just have a lack of words... So why do I call myself a "writer"? I don't do cool things, I don't put effort in... Or it doesn't feel like it in this second.

Why the hell do I think I'm going to survive getting a degree in journalism?! Wish me bloody luck there! I don't even know why I'm writing these thoughts down. I guess in the hopes that someone will find them? Who even knows? What I do know is that writing helps - it's the advice everyone gives me when I'm stuck in an emotionless rut so why not give it a go? Chuck a pretty picture alongside the forlorn words and call it art or something, why not?!

I'm not a journalist, I'm certainly no blogger... So what the hell am I, other than a lonely human searching for comfort and a release from these immobilising thoughts? How do we stop critiquing ourselves? If you find out... Let me know.

Rainy June Playlist

I woke up this morning to grey clouds, sodden grounds, and a lower temperature than I like. I never quite know how to be on rainy days; I want to fill my time with productive things, but at the same time I want to curl up with tea, a good book, or just watch the rain make puddles ripple. 

Today's weather is weird. It's so sunny, but the rain is threatening to fall. It's strange. So today, I've made some butterscotch biscuits, and a playlist to listen to on other future rainy days. I implore you to curl up next to a big window with some tea and some headphones and listen. Just listen and be for a little bit.

Some of the songs mean a lot to me, such as 'Machines' and 'God Only Knows'. Others I think are simply stunning. Each one tells a story and is just perfect for a relaxed, cosy day. 

So enjoy it here...

Happy New.... Something?

Goodness me, it's June. And 2018. And it's been a long while since I've done this. So here's what I'm up to now...

Right this second I'm listening to Biffy Clyro's MTV Unplugged album. Possibly a review coming on that? This week I have been reading lots, sleeping lots, and having a break from work. I've also seen Solo: A Star Wars Story twice. 

Now for life in general... I'm still working in a builders merchants. My hours fluctuate - sometimes I'm there full time, others I work twelve hours a week. This leads to all sorts of issues with routine and not feeling mentally brilliant but I'm trying to see friends and keep busy when I'm not working. 
I'm also writing for two music publications. It's all online, but it's a brilliant experience and some really awesome stuff has happened since September, including seeing The Wombats with a press pass, and being sent the new Snow Patrol album by a PR company! (Also related to this - I travelled 120 miles to see one of my favourite bands play their biggest ever headline show. Maybe more on that if you're interested?)

I'm going to be heading to university in September to study Journalism and Publishing. It's so exciting but terrifying at the same time. I'm definitely ready to learn some new things, meet some new people, and to start becoming much more independent. But at the same time, I really don't want to move away from all of my friends and family, and I'm dreading living with - and sharing a kitchen with!!! - nine other strangers. 

So there we are. That somewhat brings us to today, where I've been to town, cut myself while shaving, and watched The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt for hours. It's going well. 

I guess I have hopes of resurrecting this blog, and of becoming more productive and determined to create good habits and routines. I don't want to promise too much, because I do tend to drop it all when things get overwhelming but we'll see how it goes. 

Love to you all 

- Dottie x