It's been a long time since I sat down and wrote a blog post, almost everything that has been posted lately has been scheduled weeks in advance... It's currently around 10pm on Christmas day, and my mind has been non-stop all day. I think it's time to get some of those thoughts out of my head, right?
This festive period has felt increasingly different as the years have passed. It no longer contains the amount of joy and excitement as it used to. I know that as soon as November came around this year, I was beyond ecstatic, but as the big day has come closer and closer, stress levels rose, and my excitement has fallen dramatically. Right now, today, I don't feel happy, or sad, or anything in particular. It's just another day. But I am thankful that I got to spend it with almost everyone that I love.
This year was the first time that I have had a job for more than a few weeks. Summer was spent at a holiday company as a cleaner, as was my October half-term break. This Christmas period, I have been working at HMV, which was both an amazing experience, as I got to spend time with some wonderful people, and it was something that stressed me out and exhausted me beyond belief. I've recently felt that I've not had enough time to do the things that make me happy, like writing blog posts and enjoying music. I always see that people comment on my posts, which makes me feel so happy and loved, yet I never have the time to reply. I hope that all of you know that I love you for the kind feedback you give my blog.
I have been working weekends since November, and last week I worked six full days, including Christmas eve. I've gotten up at 6am on each of those days, which I didn't think would make me as tired as I am! Nonetheless, I'm glad that I got the opportunity to work with some lovely people, and in one of my favourite stores.
Because I've been working so much, I haven't had nearly enough time to spend with my two beautiful best friends, who I honestly miss more than anyone... It's been too long since we were in endless fits of giggles at each others' stupidity.
I miss my perfect boyfriend, despite being able to see him almost everyday. There is never enough time to spend with him, and that hurts. We always seem to have to say goodbye...
Despite all of this sadness that I feel for people I barely get to see, I'm still thankful that I hear from them everyday, because they are part of my support system when things get bad. We're there for each other and that means more than anything.
I'm glad that I have had the opportunity to work, and therefore spend my wages on things that are important. I have a car now, and have had so many amazing experiences seeing live bands, Cirque du Soleil, etc.
I can't remember what I saw today that reminded me of all I have to be thankful for, but I'm glad that I saw it. You see, I have more than I could ever ask for right now, and I feel as though I don't appreciate that enough. Right now, it doesn't feel like Christmas, which is odd as I've always been so excited... Now, I'm just exhausted.
My mind has been telling me that it's wrong to not feel happy on this day, that I should be over the moon about all that I've been able to give and receive, yet all I can think about is how Christmas has become more and more about commercialism and spending money. People always ask "oh, what did you get for Christmas?!" and I don't see how that really matters? People have just become so obsessed with making money, and gaining material items of so much worth... All I really wanted this year is to see those around me light up with joy, which did mean spending money, but it wasn't all trivial items... I put so much thought into the gifts I got for people, and I really hope that means a lot to them.
I guess that the point of me taking time away from people is to get these thoughts out of my head and try to make some sort of sense out of them. Basically, Christmas is different now, and I don't like that. It doesn't make me anywhere near as happy as it used to, I don't want to just have a load of pointless presents that I'll forget about. I want it to matter, I want my life to matter. I just don't know how to go about that.
Anyway, I hope whoever is reading this is having a meaningful, love-filled day.
- Dottie x
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