Stress & Mental Health

Hey guys, it's time to sit down and write another pure, honest, and from-the-heart post. And to be honest, right now I'm not doing too brilliantly. 

Last week, I was really poorly, feeling dizzy and sick, and experiencing general flu-like symptoms. I've had no energy for months, feeling constantly exhausted and lacking in motivation. This all finally got to me, and I also suffered a few panic attacks and just stress-related breakdowns. 

I've experienced symptoms like this before; when I was in Year 11 (two years ago, about this time of year) I was struggling to fit in all of my revision for mock exams, and would end up coming home from school with piles of work due in, and I would just break down, and sob for hours, unable to even comprehend how I was going to do it all. You see, I'm a bit of a perfectionist so every piece of work I hand in had to be completed to an unreasonably high standard, which I couldn't keep up with. 
Growing up, I always achieved the highest grades, and I felt (and still feel) so much pressure to ace every test and exam. Of course, this pressure gets to anyone eventually. 

Here, today, right now I am working two jobs (one is at HMV and is only a temporary position), struggling to complete college assignments that don't capture my interest, panicking about what I'm going to do next year (I really think university is off the cards for me right now), not getting enough sleep, and not spending enough time with the people I love. I also want to try and get a blog post out every week, and I am finally starting to snap. 

Since around this time last year, I started to lose interest in things that I used to enjoy, such as listening to music (now it's mostly background noise), and playing guitar. I think I've written about that all before, but I've just realised that there's probably something not okay with that. 
I also feel constantly exhausted, even if I get the correct amount of sleep, which turns out to be 9.25 hours for someone of my age. I get up, go to college or work, and come home completely exhausted. I never want to get up and do anything, all I seem to do now is work or go to college. On my days off, which this week are few and far between, I sleep until midday to attempt to get rid of the feelings of fatigue. This does not work. 

I've just had enough of all of this. 

This weekend just passed (10th and 11th), I had to go into my work and ask for time off, as I was having panic attacks previously, and just generally struggling to do anything. While I feel incredibly guilty for not being in work (and now also stressed about money), I took the time to organise my room and ensure that everything is clean and tidy, and compile a list of all that I need to get completed and when for. 

I am as of yet undecided if this is helping, but I've made an attempt to make things better, and seeing my thoughts on paper really does empty the ole brain... I know that in the long run, having everything organised will help me to make the best use of my time and end up with plenty of free time to relax and stuff, but it is so much effort to not leave paperwork all over my desk, and washing in piles strewn across my floor. I kind of don't see the point in moving it, y'know?

I guess the important thing here is that I'm trying, but it's so difficult and I have so much to worry about. I really wish that I could stay in bed forever. 

I'm trying. I think this blog is the only thing going right in my life at this current moment. Nothing else is okay, including me. 

- Dottie x