Stress & Mental Health

Hey guys, it's time to sit down and write another pure, honest, and from-the-heart post. And to be honest, right now I'm not doing too brilliantly. 

Last week, I was really poorly, feeling dizzy and sick, and experiencing general flu-like symptoms. I've had no energy for months, feeling constantly exhausted and lacking in motivation. This all finally got to me, and I also suffered a few panic attacks and just stress-related breakdowns. 

I've experienced symptoms like this before; when I was in Year 11 (two years ago, about this time of year) I was struggling to fit in all of my revision for mock exams, and would end up coming home from school with piles of work due in, and I would just break down, and sob for hours, unable to even comprehend how I was going to do it all. You see, I'm a bit of a perfectionist so every piece of work I hand in had to be completed to an unreasonably high standard, which I couldn't keep up with. 
Growing up, I always achieved the highest grades, and I felt (and still feel) so much pressure to ace every test and exam. Of course, this pressure gets to anyone eventually. 

Here, today, right now I am working two jobs (one is at HMV and is only a temporary position), struggling to complete college assignments that don't capture my interest, panicking about what I'm going to do next year (I really think university is off the cards for me right now), not getting enough sleep, and not spending enough time with the people I love. I also want to try and get a blog post out every week, and I am finally starting to snap. 

Since around this time last year, I started to lose interest in things that I used to enjoy, such as listening to music (now it's mostly background noise), and playing guitar. I think I've written about that all before, but I've just realised that there's probably something not okay with that. 
I also feel constantly exhausted, even if I get the correct amount of sleep, which turns out to be 9.25 hours for someone of my age. I get up, go to college or work, and come home completely exhausted. I never want to get up and do anything, all I seem to do now is work or go to college. On my days off, which this week are few and far between, I sleep until midday to attempt to get rid of the feelings of fatigue. This does not work. 

I've just had enough of all of this. 

This weekend just passed (10th and 11th), I had to go into my work and ask for time off, as I was having panic attacks previously, and just generally struggling to do anything. While I feel incredibly guilty for not being in work (and now also stressed about money), I took the time to organise my room and ensure that everything is clean and tidy, and compile a list of all that I need to get completed and when for. 

I am as of yet undecided if this is helping, but I've made an attempt to make things better, and seeing my thoughts on paper really does empty the ole brain... I know that in the long run, having everything organised will help me to make the best use of my time and end up with plenty of free time to relax and stuff, but it is so much effort to not leave paperwork all over my desk, and washing in piles strewn across my floor. I kind of don't see the point in moving it, y'know?

I guess the important thing here is that I'm trying, but it's so difficult and I have so much to worry about. I really wish that I could stay in bed forever. 

I'm trying. I think this blog is the only thing going right in my life at this current moment. Nothing else is okay, including me. 

- Dottie x

How to Travel in Time...

As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm listening to Tom Odell live in session on BBC Radio Two, and I can close my eyes and I'm back in 2013, in a grotty venue in one of my favourite cities, at my first gig watching him play this song live. 
I was drinking a beer the other day, and the taste suddenly reminded me of summer, sitting in a field, freezing cold with a warm lager in my hand, surrounded by people I used to be best friends with when I was little. There was fairy lights, and so much laughter and happiness, and it made me sad for a second, because I miss that moment. 

Humans seem to believe that it isn't possible to travel in time, and that once a moment has passed we'll never experience it again...That isn't true, these moments are alive in our memories, and in the little things that we notice at the most random of times. Sometimes, these memories and reminders can be crippling, yet others are so beautiful. I will always be one for nostalgia, I love to look back and remember the happiness. I know that I wasn't always happy, just as I am not always happy now, but there was so much joy in my life, just as there is now. It's just that the joy I experience now is different. I don't know how to explain it, but the things that make me happy now have changed so much... 

But anyway.

Some moments will never pass. They will never leave you. Your best friends laughing at the smallest things in an Italian restaurant, your boyfriend's smile or his 'I love you' eyes. Sitting with your parents in the garden, with a little fire burning, or the blissful peace of walking alone in the forest in autumn. These memories can be brought back, or rather, you can be brought back to them with the smallest of things. 

Humans can travel in time. I've seen it. I've done it. I love it. 

- Dottie x

How Do I Write a Wish-List?!

Hello my friends!! I'm curled up in bed at this very second, and I'm cold and bored, so I figured why not make a wish-list on my blog?! Then, I realised that I don't know how to. So here's my attempt at a wish-list, yippee!!

Before I begin, I am going to clarify that all images are credited to New Look, I do not own copyright to them! Yay, legal stuff!!

Black High-Waisted Tube Skirt

Grey Chunky Knit Bardot Jumper

Black Platform Flared Heel Chelsea Boots

Blue Fray Hem Skinny Jeans

I really do love all of these items, I'd love to wear the skirt with a pair of fishnet tights, a big snuggly jumper and some chunky boots! The skinny jeans are of course a staple item for any wardrobe, and I don't actually have a pale pair of skinnys yet! As well as these few items I've found photos for, I want to purchase lots of new bras and underwear from New Look, because they do a brilliant 'three for two' offer, which is awesome for a student on a budget!! 

If you're interested in buying any of this stuff, the captions are links, so that's pretty cool, and I hope you enjoyed this mini wish list!!

- Dottie. 

You Are YOU

Hi You, 

I am writing this to tell you that you are You. You cannot be anyone but Yourself. I want you to understand this - no, I need you to understand this, because the You that you are is beautiful, perfect, and most of all, You are You-nique. [1] 

I want to tell you, and you need to understand that it doesn't matter that She passed her driving test in three months, or that He got a higher score than you on a test you studied so much for. These things don't matter because You will progress at Your Own Rate. It might take you an entire year to learn to drive, or three attempts to ace that test, but You Will Do It. You will learn about yourself in the process, and you will achieve whatever it is you wish to. 

It just takes time. 

The You that you are is the perfect one, the one that doesn't need to change for anybody, or anything except for Yourself. I want you to live your life for one person - Yourself. [2] This person is the one you're living for, the one you need to make happy. You don't need to change your hair, or go on a diet to make people fall in love with You, because they can already see You are you are - wonderful. 

When we look in a mirror, we never see ourselves as the entire person we are; a reflection can't show you how you beautiful your smile is when you're close to tears from laughter, or how stunning your eyes are when you're so focused on that book you're reading. A mirror only shows us what we show it - a two-dimensional version of ourselves, and We are far more than that. 

Someone has fallen in love with you when you've been curled up in an armchair in a coffee shop with a dog-eared copy of your favourite novel. A real person has admired your outfit choice from afar in a shopping mall. People have watched with awe as you've done that thing that you can't tell you're amazing at. 

I want you to see You as You. The real You. Stop comparing yourself to Her, Him, or Them. Ignore the person that people are trying to show you they are on social media, because that isn't them. People are messy, we all cry, we all hurt, we all bleed. No one is perfect, and that makes us unbelievably so, because we can embrace that, and fall in love with ourselves. 

You are You. No one else. Please love yourself, and allow yourself to be loved. I promise that you are worthy of it. 

Sincerely, 
Someone who is trying so damn hard to believe the words she writes. 

[1] - I wish I could say I'm sorry for that terrible pun, but alas, I cannot. 
[2] - (I mean no disrespect to any God/Gods you may hold, I just want you all to believe in yourself).

Growing Up, Falling In Love, and Other Scary Stuff

I don't know about you reading this, but when I follow a blogger, I like to know a little bit about them, and I think it's nice to get to know the author through their writing. I know it's been quite a while since I last wrote a little update on how things are going, so let's go for it! 

I'm at college, where we have project to record an EP and produce a music video, along with some other smaller assignments. Plans for these are slowly being put in place, and I'm actually pretty excited for that! 

Elsewhere in my life, my eighteenth birthday passed uneventfully; I still haven't been drunk, or bought a beer at a pub. That needs to happen soon! (The pub part, not being drunk!). I spent my birthday with my family, my grandparents included, and my boyfriend came to my house for the evening, too so it was such a lovely day! 

A week after my birthday, I passed my practical driving test! I can now legally go out onto the roads in my own little car, and get around much more easily, without relying on my parents or busses to get me places! How awesome, right?! 

So those are all of the rather mundane happenings... What's the scary stuff, I hear you ask? Well, let me tell you! 

I'm now technically classed as an adult, and I am feeling as though I really need to start growing up, and being way more responsible for just my own life in general. I need to find a permanent part-time job, as I'm in college for just three days a week, and I'm going to need to run a car, which is incredibly expensive. I currently have a job that I can do during college holidays, but it's only twelve hours a week, which isn't really ideal. I'm frantically applying for Christmas temporary staff positions, to try and earn enough for a tattoo and my car's MOT in January, but as I'm writing this, I can't say I've gotten a job yet... 

As I'm also currently in my second year of college, I need to start properly thinking about what I want to do next. Do I go to university, like I've always dreamed, or do I take a gap year, and work to earn my money? It's a really difficult decision, because each option has so many pros, and cons. I really don't know what I want to do, so wish me luck with that! 

I don't really know what else to tell you, other than I'm happy with life, despite being so scared and stressed about things at the moment... I've been in a super happy, very loving relationship for almost eight months, and I have to tell you that being in love really can be a beautiful thing. It shows you a different perspective, of both the world, and yourself, and I love that. 

Finally, it's that beautiful season where it's acceptable to start getting excited and prepared for Christmas, and I love that!

I hope you all have such a beautiful day!
- Dottie x

Why It's OKAY For You to Hate Your First Job

Hey guys! I think I've spoken before on this blog about my first job, but if you're new here, then I'll give you a quick explanation of what went down there... 

I was sixteen, and it was a few months before I started my GCSE exams. I worked in the cafe of a busy tourist attraction, and I won't lie to you guys - I hated it with a passion. I felt anxious the evening before I had to go in, and the next morning, I wouldn't be able to eat due to being so worried. I just felt like I wasn't ready to be in the working world, and I didn't have very good people skills. I worked from 9am to 5pm, with about a twenty minute break for food. I had to run about all day, checking tables were clear, washing up (a lot!), and serving customers. It was stressful, but if I were to go back now, I think I'd be okay at it. 

You see, when I had that job, I was still very much a shy, socially awkward child. I just wasn't ready for that amount of responsibility. 

Now, if you're still reading this, you're either one of my fabulous best friends, or avid readers (I know there's a couple of you, and I love you!!), or you aren't a fan of your job and want to know what I think about that. So, here goes...

I think it's perfectly okay to hate your first job because, well, it's your first job. You haven't worked before, you don't understand how to be in this new environment. That's perfectly fine, we all need to start somewhere. For some of you, much like it was for me, perhaps you aren't ready to be in this adult world where too much is expected of you, and you're struggling. I understand, and these feelings are perfectly valid. 

My current job is as a cleaner for a high-end holiday company, and a lot is expected of me, and the team I work with. After my second shift at this job, I was totally ready to quit - I felt as though I could never achieve what they expected me to. But. I kept at it. Now, I'm actually pretty good at it, and I can damn well clean a bathroom good! 
Sometimes, all it takes is a little bit of time to get used to your job, before you decide that you like it. If this is the reason you're not enjoying your job, give it some time and allow yourself to get used to it. 

I know a lot of people that didn't like their first job, or perhaps their first proper job (as some people get temp jobs...), so if you're out there, hating your workplace, just remember that you're not alone!
This job that you're working isn't permanent, it's not where you're going to be in five, or ten years time. It's only one job, and you will have so, so many others. Some, you may hate more, others you might love, and that's perfectly fine, but I promise you that it can, and will get better. 

The working world is a big, scary place, and you're still young. You have plenty of time to figure it out, and I know you will. 

Good luck to all of you out there, and I hope you're having a lovely day. 

- Dottie. x

(Image credit goes to Laura Simms, and the original can be found by clicking here). 

I Hate Being Hit On.

When I was around fifteen years old, I attended a gig where an older man (somewhere in his forties) offered to buy me a drink. I said no. He kept on asking. I kept on saying no. When he finally got the picture, and his mate had buggered off to the bar, he continued to hang around near me, talking to me, despite me blatantly trying to ignore him. The headline band started playing and he put his arm around me. This is not okay. Clearly I wasn't interested and he didn't get that. I ended up walking off and a guy around my age who I'd spoken to in the queue made sure I was okay... I can remember him telling me that I'd looked really scared of the older guy. 

When I was going to get a bus after college one day, one of those people who try to sell you things asked for my number. As in, he was asking me out on a date. Nah, mate. You're at least twenty-five (and I was seventeen), and I had a boyfriend. God knows what I would have said to him if I couldn't have told him that... I've also had numerous guys at gigs ask my name, or just randomly start talking to me. One has even gone as far as to try to kiss me. While I was completely okay with him up until this point, because he was a nice guy, funny and interesting, surely he knew nothing would come of that would-be kiss, since we both lived really, really far apart?  

When I've been walking alone, and with friends along busy roads, we've had lorry drivers, or just drivers honk their horns at us. That is truly disgusting. Then there's the guys who look at you like you're a piece of meat, and the guys that yell obscene crap at you. 

It doesn't impress us, lads!

Each and every time I've had attention from a random stranger, it's been unwanted. I'm just trying to get home, or have a nice time at a gig, or spend some time with friends. Never am I going to look at a catcaller, or random bloke who wants to buy me a drink at a gig and think yup, that's him. That's the one I'm going to marry. Because no fucking way! Get to know me, and do something sweet, don't just assume you're entitled to my body. Honestly, no one is entitled to your body, not even your boyfriend or girlfriend, and that is something too few people realise. Your body, your rules. 

People need to have so, so much more respect for each other, and understand that not everyone is out to get laid. 

Cool beans. 

- Dottie x