Honest to God. What. Am. I. Doing?!? All I seem to do at the moment is sleep, get buses, go to college, and attempt to eat.. On the odd occasion, I will play guitar, or have a driving lesson. Otherwise, nothing really happens.
And I seem to be confused about my future, too. I've been looking at some university courses, and all of them aren't really relevant to what I want to do. Or others are just what I'm already doing in college. I'm starting to doubt my decision to do a BTEC course, and now I have no idea what to do.
I seem to be confused about everything at the moment, I guess. Part of me wants to be this fearless punk girl, who wears way too much eyeliner, and ripped jeans and scuffed Doctor Martens and has messy hair... And then another part of me wants to be cute, and girly, in little floral skirts and snuggly, warm jumpers... I don't know who I really am any more, and it's so weird. And then there's the whole thing of I don't know who I get on with in college, or if I should just hang out on my own because there's an awful lot less drama... I just do not know anymore.
I kind of really regret not taking A Levels, because I really think I would enjoy it, and I feel like I'm kidding myself if I say that I can do all of the practical things my college course involves. I can ace the written work, but I don't know what the fuck I'm doing when it comes to operating a mixing desk, or using a synthesizer.
Everything seems to confuse me at the moment.. Sometimes I feel like I want to be alone, and other times I want to be surrounded by people. And the only friend I have at college that doesn't give me partial truths, doesn't do my course... And he ignores me around college...
There's a lot more that I want to write, but I don't know how to write it, so I'm gonna just leave this as it is now...
Bye!
- Dottie.
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